Different Way to Stand

“Challenges are gifts that force us to search for a new center of gravity. Don't fight them. Just find a different way to stand.”
–Oprah Winfrey

I love this quote from Oprah! It has recently helped me get out of the funk that set in about the time I was involved in a car accident in late September. That accident changed my life, but not in the way you'd typically think. There were no wheelchairs or hospital stays involved. I did have to go to physical therapy, but physically I'm exactly where I was before the accident happened.

When I was a little girl I dreamed about going to college. While my classmates were thinking about what to wear to school the next day (this was pre-boring uniforms), I was planning out every aspect of my college career - where to go, what to study, etc. I understood from an early age that no matter what happened to me, I would better myself and get out of the situation I was growing up in. My college dreams stayed with me through the years, though specific plans changed repeatedly as I began to discover myself. There was an on-and-off period when I thought about trade school vs. college, but I always came back to the college plans.

After that car accident, I had to withdraw from school for the semester. I can't even tell you how depressing it was to lose everything I'd ever wanted in an instant and have to watch as everyone else continued. Along with withdrawing came the loss of financial aid, and that created a financial black hole big enough to swallow me whole. I later found out I couldn't even go back to school in January.

Somewhere during the process of losing everything that had consumed my life, my brain got its wires crossed. I felt like a complete failure, and I was so afraid of failing again that I almost gave up on my dream of becoming a journalist and on everything else. I was crying all the time and being extremely pathetic in general. It finally got to the point where I hit rock bottom.

The next thing I knew Oprah was on television saying something very encouraging (not the quote I have at the beginning, but one similar). I realized then that I had never failed at all. I had been thrown a curve ball in life, and instead of swinging my bat differently, I just stood there cowering at home plate. I had a choice to make: I could cower for the rest of my life and truly be a failure, or I could fight like hell all the way back to success.

I have chosen to fight, and that's where I'm at in life right now. I'm in the middle of this gigantic struggle to get back in school and start making the first of many dreams come true. Like I said, this really is a struggle, so if you talk to me and I'm a little pathetic, you'll have to take that into consideration and forgive me.

I wanted to write this to catch my followers up on all the little details. For a long time, I didn't want to blog because I thought the world would see me as the failure I thought I was, but those days are over and gone. Start looking for my blog again!

Chelsea Handler is bringing grammar back.

I can't ever get enough of this yellow-haired Jew. I feel like she is an extension of myself. I like grammar and dancing Latino nuggets, too.

First College Test = Success

So, as most of you read previously on facebook, I had my first college-level test today in my American Government class, and I got an A! I'm sorry to be bragging, but you know what? I deserve to brag a little. I worked hard for that grade, and I'm pretty proud of myself.

It's special to me. Getting this A really showed me what I'm capable of. I'm a smart girl, and I'm capable of succeeding at college. It's just more proof that I don't need to worry. I GOT THIS. I can and will do well. Watch me!

Now, if you see me saying these things after Friday when I have my second test, that's fabulous. If you see me saying it after next Thursday when I have the third one in philosophy, then we'll really talk about major success.

In other news: I want to go to Calgary. The pictures on my wall are all crooked. And the elevators in this building suck.


Considering the idea of adding features to my blog - ex. a featured video of the week; What the Hell Wednesdays with weird news; etc. DISCUSS.

Day 30 - A Letter To Myself

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

As you can see, for the final day of my blogging program, I have to write a letter to myself. Considering that it's late and tomorrow I have to get up really early, I'm just going to focus on the letter for today's blog.


Dear Paula,

I love that you are opinionated and never hesitate to tell everyone what you think. I love your spirit and your sweet but feisty personality. You're much smarter than you usually like to think, and I love that you can hold your own in a conversation, a debate, or an argument. I love your straight-forwardness and how you try to be as open with people as you can be to show them who you are. I love your sense of humor. I love your lack of fear when it comes to doing things that other people would be too scared to do and your excess of fear when it comes to the simple things. I love that you care so deeply about people, things, places, and what you are doing. I love that you're a perfectionist, even if it annoys the hell out of me sometimes. I love your creativity and your wild ideas. I love your dreams and your courage. I love your ability to make friends anywhere and everywhere you go. I love how overly humble you can be sometimes, while all the time knowing deep-down that you are completely fabulous. I love your hobbies, your favorites, likes, and dislikes. I love your great observational skills and your ability to read people. I love that you are in college trying to make something out of yourself and follow your dreams. I love you, and I think you're pretty great.


Love,
Paula?

Day 29 = A New Experience

Common Ground started tonight! It was so fabulous!

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, Common Ground is a dialogue-to-action program that holds very diverse small group discussions about race. The goal is to discuss race from many different points of view and ultimately do something to improve race relations in the city.

I'm excited for next week's session, and I'm even more excited to see what happens at the end of it.

You'd never guess how liberating it actually is to sit and listen to a stranger say something you think is pretty ridiculous, only to find yourself listening attentively and then POSSIBLY explaining your experiences and feelings about the topic at hand. Well, it's liberating for me anyway. That was my surprise of the evening - being liberated in a situation that would seem to do the exact opposite.

Oh, and Otis Sanford was the guest speaker in my journalism class today! I showcased my huge, nothing-but-teeth, somebody-just-slapped-Herenton smile. I guess you could say I was a little excited about that, too. :)



Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I'm a worrier. I try to avoid situations where I feel like there's a high possibility of failing or of getting hurt. Subconsciously, I am attempting to protect myself. In actuality, I am only hurting myself. I don't set high enough goals and standards for myself because I'm afraid I won't be good enough or do well enough (or whatever) and will end up getting hurt.

I've been working on that, and it's coming along nicely. It's a process. It won't happen overnight. The point is that it IS happening. I'm getting there.

Day 28 = The Day I Fell In Love With Dr. Thomas... Um, Not In THAT Way

Today was really good. :)

I had to read this chapter for my American Government class that didn't make sense to me (or most of the other people in my class) and take a quiz on it. When we told Dr. Thomas we were confused, he acted like he didn't really care. It lasts 10 minutes. After five, he says, "I know most of you read the chapter and are a little confused, and that's okay. I'm about to step out of the room for a drink of water, and while I'm gone if you use your books, talk to each other, or review your notes, that is something I will just never know about. Happy testing."

So obviously, we shared with each other, looked up terms in the indexes of our textbooks, etc. He came back three times, and each time we would still be sharing information so he would walk back out for more water. Finally, he said, "Okay, I'm starting to feel a little water-logged, so I'm going to excuse myself for one last drink, and when I come back I'll be taking up your lovely quizzes."

I so, so, so, SO love that man! He is just simply wonderful. :)




Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Um, well whenever I finally finished crying, I would attempt to start figuring out my life.

Incredible Day - # 27

Today was just amazing. I woke up feeling like a free woman, and the feeling only got stronger as the day continued. It's going to take me about a week [estimated] to get caught back up on everything, but at least I'm starting to get caught up, rather than getting further and further behind! And just so y'all know - none of my assignments have been late or anything. I'm a little behind on readings, etc. So far that hasn't affected my grades at all, and hopefully it never will.

That's pretty much all I've got to say about today... just that it was fabulous.

I'm still catching up on sleep, too, so I'm about to crash. :)




Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

School. Most definitely.